communication

To All the Sons

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I never really had a room of my own as a kid.  Okay, I had my own bedroom, but it was never totally mine.  My mother liked things clean and in order, so I could never do much with “my room”.  Toys and games were not left out, my bed was always made, shelves neatly arranged with perfect spaces between objects, even my hermit crab and his abode were tidy.

I could try to fight this if I wanted.  Leave out a lego castle, miss the hamper with a dirty shirt and leave it on the floor, or do the unthinkable – make my bed without properly tucking the bed spread around the pillow.  Give it five minutes and this “error” would be corrected.  No comment would be made – this would just happen.

Now it may sound rough but it wasn’t that bad, not bad at all, my mother cared about me and so she took care of me as she thought best and that meant an organized room.

From the beginning of time I believe that mothers and sons have been fighting the battle of “mother knows best” and for the rest of time this will continue.  It has already started with my own wife and son as it does with all mothers and sons – the battle to wipe the face clean.  Oh how my son hates this attention and he puts up a wonderful fight, but his face always ends up clean.

This battle will continue – clean jeans, tucked in shirts, cow-lickless hair, washed cleats, shaved faces, organized entertainment centers, and maybe even a hung-up towel in the bathroom.  To all the sons out there – we can fight these things, but the sooner you realize that you won’t win, the easier your life will be.

All sons deal with this to some degree or another.  But what happens when the “interference” gets more serious?  It is one thing to have your life impacted at home – but what do we do when mom wants to interfere with the rest of life?  When she starts cramping our style, killing our mojo, and squashing our vibe?

Will we let mom interfere?

When I was around 15-16 I had my first girlfriend.  Now in reality this was just the first girlfriend that my parents found out about (you know how that is, right?) – so really this was more like girlfriend #3 but who is counting (okay, I was for sure!).  I remember having a lot of pressure with this girlfriend.  My friends were expecting me to “make some moves” as it were, the girl seemed to have some expectations, and even my dorky calculus teacher was for some reason telling me to “solve for x” (okay he never said that but he was oddly involved and I couldn’t resist the joke – math teachers, right?).

It was in the midst of all this that I can clearly remember my mom wanting to have a talk with me.  It wasn’t that talk (my parents were with it enough to know that a day at public school equals more knowledge than any “birds and bees” conversation could supply) – no it was a very different talk.  She told me it was nice that I had a girlfriend.  She told me that this girl seemed sweet and was pretty – I had chosen well.  Then she told me that I was not to hurt this girl. And she looked me in the eyes and we both knew what that meant.

Cramping my style.  Killing my mojo.  Interfering with life!  With a few words and one look she had done it all.  Now what was I supposed to do?

Well I can tell you what I didn’t do – hurt that girl.  Not because I didn’t want to.  Not because she didn’t want me to.  Not because my friends didn’t want me to.  Not even because my calc teacher didn’t want me to.

No, I didn’t because my mom didn’t want me to.  And because she was the one person courageous enough to sit me down and tell me not to. And because, while she told me not to hurt the girl, I knew that she really cared about me and the real person she was protecting was me.  My life.  My heart.  My soul. My future.  She took care of me in the only way she knew how.

To all the sons out there – will we let mom interfere?

Yeah we will!  Because she loves us.  Because more than any person on earth she wants what’s best for us.  Because she has the courage to make the difficult choices for us and say the difficult things to us.

To the young men out there – give your mom a break.  Listen to her words, put up with her guidance, and respect her wishes.  You may not understand all that she wants for you, but if you know she loves you and wants what’s best for you then you know enough.

And to the mothers out there – keep washing our faces, keep interfering, keep cramping our style.  We need you.  We need you to never stop believing in us.  And most importantly we need you to step up for us when no one else will.

Unfortunately for me, my mother is gone.  She now resides in heaven with God.  Meanwhile, here on earth the impact of her life, her heart, and even her interferences lives on.  Her efforts still live on in the relationships I have with my own wife and kids.  They and I reap the benefits of her decisions for me.  To all the sons out there – thank God for your mom and keep her close.

The Family Room (and 3 Questions Parents Should Ask Themselves)

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There are quite a few reasons why a small house isn’t great (Reason #9 – When you cook bacon, everything smells like bacon.  You think that’s a good thing, but it’s not.).  With that said, there is one great reason why I love our small house.   All our activity happens basically in one place.  We snack, watch TV, read, work, do crafts, play video games, surf the internet, play on our iPads, and so much more within an arm’s reach of each other.  As our family grows bigger I know we are going to upgrade.  But however large our house is, our plan is to make sure to create a ‘Family Room’ or space, so that this closeness never disappears.

A ‘Family Room’ is not just that room you allow your kids to trash (that’s just called I don’t want to have to pick up after my kids or train them to pick up after themselves).  Having a true ‘Family Room’ means creating a place where your family co-exists together.  It doesn’t mean having to do the same things together (although it could sometimes), it means doing the separate things you love together – in the same space and time.  This sounds simple, almost not worth mentioning, but it can do wonders for any family!

Do you need a family space?  Let’s pose three questions to help find your answer.

1.  Have you had the opportunity to speak with your children about the things most important to you and them?  Do you know where their spiritual life is at?  Have you connected about their future?  Do you know their dreams and desires?  You probably don’t need to explain the ‘birds and the bees’, but have you communicated about your hopes and expectations for them as they enter into relationships?

Communication.  Relationships are built on communication (and good food – you want to make a relationship better, get some Chinese food).  In today’s culture, family schedules are more hectic than ever.  It is amazing to me the busy life that even our 4 year old has.  All parents should be intentional about talking to their children about the important things in life.  If you are not influencing their thoughts in these areas – who is?  Parents – give yourself opportunities to have these conversations, you should be the biggest influence in their lives right now.  All children need time to process things, to understand the ‘whys’, and to hear things from their parents’ hearts.  Create a safe place with safe moments where communication can flow.

2.  What are you allowing into your house unmonitored?  Who are you allowing your children to invite into their bedrooms and other private places in your house through the use of social media and technology?  What are you children watching on TV?  What are they seeing and sharing on their iPhone, iPod, iPad, computer, Xbox, etc.?  Are you monitoring your children’s use of apps?  Have you even heard of Instagram, SnapChat, Kik, Yik Yak, Whisper, and Down to name a few?  And do you know if your children are using these?

Accountability.  Everyone, not just children, need to be held accountable for their social media and technology use.  The danger is three-fold:  What are you seeing?  What are you sharing?  Who is getting private information about your family?  What would happen if the use of all these things took place while your family is together, close together?  The use of these devices are so much safer when parents are around.  And let’s be honest, this is great for us adults as well because our filter is in place when little ears and eyes are around.  We can’t hide ourselves from the use of social media, electronic devices, and entertainment.  But we can learn how to use them properly together.  Create rules and standards for your family’s use of these things.  Protect your family, make temptation difficult.

3.  Do you ever feel distant from your family?  Does your home feel like home or is it just a place to rest and fuel?  Is your house a safe place that your family can retreat to?  Do your children ever have moments where they’d just prefer to be at home?  Does it feel like your family is working together or drifting apart?

Harmony.  Harmony doesn’t mean doing the same thing, it means doing different things and allowing them to blend together in a wonderful way.  I know this sounds touchy-feely and nobody wants that (but you can handle it).  I love when my family is all together.  I am the youngest of five children and usually twice a year all of us get together.  It is the best.  Even in the moments when we’re not doing anything officially together, just being together feels so much like home.  With my own wife and kids there is nothing better than a lazy Saturday morning, when we’re just together.  Life feels right.  Make sure your home is not a glorified hotel room, but a place your family grows together.

Sure, a small house isn’t always great (Reason #21 – You can’t sneak a piece of chocolate without being discovered.).  Some of us spend tons of money so that we have a place we can actually spread out in.  But how is spreading out actually helping you?  Keep your big, medium, or small house – just make sure your family has a place to come together and connect.  Create a safe place to explore what the world has to offer and make sure that needed conversations happen in a place where everyone can open up their hearts.  It will take time, effort, and possibly some inconvenience, but your family is worth it.