Marriage

What is Love

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1 John 4:7-10 (NIV) – Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.  Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.  This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.  This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.

When I first started dating my now wife, Julie, she didn’t exactly make things easy for me.  Maybe she had a plan, maybe she was playing hard to get, maybe she was messing with my mind (okay that’s probably guaranteed, haha), but probably it was just her nature.  One of the things I have always loved about her is how she never takes for granted the feelings of her heart.  And I wasn’t going to get her to share something that wasn’t true, even if it left me in an awkward moment (not that I’m not used to that!).

Before we ever knew each other we shared a class my freshman year, her sophomore year, at Houghton College.  She doesn’t remember me being in the class.  Classic.  That just lifts your ego!  We did share a class my junior year, her senior year, that she does remember.  I want to say she remembers me because I was extremely handsome by that point (I’m not ruling this out as the reason), but she probably more strongly remembers me because I stared at her during the class.  Not just a little staring, like a lot, an awkward lot, every single class.  But there she sat, and she just stared back.  Confident.  Secure.

I thought she looked perfectly beautiful, so when that semester ended, and I lost my chance to stare at her, I made sure to track her down and ask her out (first words – “So, you’re Julie right?” – I got skills…).  One moment of hanging out turned into another and then another.  She seemed pretty special.  The moment came where I thought this should be real.  I wanted her to know that I was committed to her.  So I asked her to be my girlfriend, you know, make this official.  Good idea, right?  This is what girls want, right?  Someone forgot to tell Julie that.  She told me no, but to ask again in two weeks.  There’s that awkward moment.  Thankfully she didn’t make me hold on for two weeks.  One week later she told me she couldn’t wait that long – ask her now (I told you I was good looking – stop doubting!).

As things progressed I knew this was right.  I had dated other girls before, but Julie was different, this was clearly right. And so I thought it only made sense for me to tell her that I loved her.  And so I did!  Once again – good idea, right?  This is what girls want to hear, right?  Lock the guy down, get him emotional, did she want it in writing or something? So I do this, tell her I love her, only for her to follow that up with silence.  Hey awkward moment, nice of you to come back.  Yeah, why don’t you just set up a tent, this could be a while.  Three days later.  Three days later, she tells me she loves me.  This is why I love her.  She had to make sure, if she was going to say it, then it was really how she felt.  Yeah, marrying her was a good decision.

This is all the more meaningful because love has gotten distorted over the past, I don’t know, 2000 years.  We see different definitions of love all over the place.   What love truly is has gotten bogged down by pressures of attraction, lust, butterflies, physical appeal, attention, desire, and the list goes on and on.  In so many ways the word, love, has lost all meaning and value.  What does it even mean any more?  If we think we have it, want to say it, want to share it, what really is it?

Love is what life is to be about if we are Christians.  This is what we’re supposed to stand for.  Jesus tells us the two most important things we can do are to love God and to love others.  So what are we to understand love as?  Where can we go to get a great look at love?

The answer is found very clearly in 1 John 4 – the greatest example of love comes from the One Who created it, Who perfected it, Who is it.  God is love and He is the supreme example of love.  He showed us what love truly looks like – unselfish, unconditional, undeserved.

He made a sacrifice. And as this passage says, not because we love Him.  He made the sacrifice because He loves us.

In a world confused at what love is – all we have to do is look to God.  If we want to know what love is, we look at what God did for us.  He is love and He brought love alive in our world; He showed us what it truly could become.  Sacrifice, care, trust, giving, and so much more – that is love, clearly shown from God above.

So match this up in your life.  Take a few days if you need to, leave someone in an awkward moment.  If you feel that there is love in a relationship then that love has to match what we know love to be from God.  Love means there are unselfish and undeserved actions of trust and care.  Following God’s example – if we think there is love, then there will be clear moments of sacrifice.  God’s love shows little of attraction and attention but a clear example of dependability and faith set by continual moments of care and sacrifice.  And take that further – if you have confessed love of someone – that means you have a true desire to be trustworthy, to be dependable, to place yourself on the line for them, deserved or not, and to sacrifice daily with all you have.  If your intention is to love, then these must be there.

Do you have love in your life?  I hope so, just make sure it is real.  I know I’m a pretty lucky guy.  Three days are clearly worth knowing she loves me and knowing this love is real.

Ten Years Later…

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My wife and I have never felt like we are each others ‘soul-mates’.   True story!   We’re officially 10 years in and as happy as you can possibly imagine.  Actually, probably happier than you can imagine, and very secure in our relationship.  We have our moments, our ups and downs.  Like all husbands I can have my idiot times (and like all wives, she is completely perfect at all moments – at least that is what I am allowed to say).  We’ve had some incredible victories:  a fun “how we met tale”, surviving a stretch of long-distance, a special proposal and a nice sized rock, a beautiful wedding to remember, saving our purity for the wedding night, making two different houses home, creating the two cutest kids in the world, building each others’ careers and potential, all the while finding time to snuggle almost every day (I know, barf – but it’s true and she’ll appreciate this).  With all this said, with this just being the tip of the iceberg in terms of the trust, devotion, love, and care we’ve experienced, yeah, we still won’t say we’re ‘soul-mates’.

Could we be a bit ridiculous in this?  Wikipedia says a ‘soul-mate’ is someone with whom you have a feeling of deep or natural affinity.  That doesn’t sound like a big deal – if that is all it takes then maybe Jimmy Fallon and I are soul-mates (and the person who created General Tso’s Chicken and the inventors of Mountain Dew).  I believe we usually think of soul-mates as something more.  They’re supposed to be that one person that so wonderfully matches with who we are and what we want to be that they just bring about perfection.  It drives us to start throwing up phrases like “You complete me!” and “I’m nothing without you!” or even “You make me happy!” – blah!  And this is where we have a problem with soul-mates.

The idea that I need someone else in this world in order to be completed is hilarious.  Let me be very clear – my wife doesn’t complete me, my God completes me.  And as ruggedly handsome as I am – Julie (that’s my wife) finds completion in God as well and definitely not in me.  It is almost sad to think that we have to find another person in this world to feel like life is complete, that we haven’t reached full value until we’ve found that someone. Julie adds so much to my life.  She has made me a better person in the best of ways – somehow she makes my strengths greater while helping my weaknesses disappear.  I am more because of her and I’ve gone further because of her, but I am complete because of God.

The problem is we are all lacking something in life.  We do have a hole to fill.  We want so badly to fill it. To put the pieces of life together, to give us purpose, to be appreciated and valued here on earth, and simply to not be lonely. But if we’re looking for a person to do all that, we’re going to get frustrated. What are the real chances of finding a soul-mate to make all that happen? Just ask Dwight Schrute: “Oh, not likely. Three billion women on the planet, most of them live in Asia, so the numbers just don’t add up.” (The Office, Season 5, Episode 18).

That hole can only be filled by the God we were created to seek after.  If we try to fill that hole with a person we not only give that person too much power, we set ourselves up for disappointment, and we clearly undervalue ourselves.

You’re never nothing without someone! In fact, Paul seems to feel in 1Corinthians 7 that as a single person you have more value! I have never known exactly what to do with these thoughts of his, as they seem not to work well in our culture. But they ring true to me: a single adult has the ability to much more openly give of their time to God’s service. And as a church we need to be willing to embrace single ministers and members who can give so much.

There is still the issue of happiness.  I gain a ton of happiness from my wife. In fact, if I could give any “single and looking” person advice on finding a good match, it would be to find someone who makes you smile and laugh a lot!  You can figure out how to make a lot of things work in a relationship, but laughter is often either there or it’s not, and you want it to be there.

With that said, happiness is a decision.  I choose to find happiness in my wife.  Without her it would have been up me to choose to find happiness in something else.  Hey, there are quite a few married people not choosing to find happiness in their spouse.  To those people I would say the opportunity to change your decision is yours to take.  Whatever your life is like, God has given you the opportunity to choose happiness.  That’s on you and no one else.

For my devotions I have recently read the book of Ecclesiastes (not high on my list of Bible books to just read for fun…).  A part of chapter 5 stuck out to me that I feel pertains here:

18 Even so, I have noticed one thing, at least, that is good. It is good for people to eat, drink, and enjoy their work under the sun during the short life God has given them, and to accept their lot in life. 19 And it is a good thing to receive wealth from God and the good health to enjoy it. To enjoy your work and accept your lot in life—this is indeed a gift from God. (NLT)

It is up to you to enjoy what you have and that is indeed a gift from God.  I don’t think God specifically made Julie and I for each other.  We were given an opportunity and we found happiness there.  We made a marriage covenant and I do believe God will bless that as we hold firmly to it.

These have been the best 10 years of my life and I look forward to the next 10, they’re going to be even better.  And yours could be as well – find fulfillment and completion in God, not in something here on earth, know that you have incredible purpose and great opportunities to bring meaning to your life and the Kingdom of God, and lastly remember that you get to choose to be happy, don’t let what you have or may not have steal your joy in life.