relationships

Ten Years Later…

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My wife and I have never felt like we are each others ‘soul-mates’.   True story!   We’re officially 10 years in and as happy as you can possibly imagine.  Actually, probably happier than you can imagine, and very secure in our relationship.  We have our moments, our ups and downs.  Like all husbands I can have my idiot times (and like all wives, she is completely perfect at all moments – at least that is what I am allowed to say).  We’ve had some incredible victories:  a fun “how we met tale”, surviving a stretch of long-distance, a special proposal and a nice sized rock, a beautiful wedding to remember, saving our purity for the wedding night, making two different houses home, creating the two cutest kids in the world, building each others’ careers and potential, all the while finding time to snuggle almost every day (I know, barf – but it’s true and she’ll appreciate this).  With all this said, with this just being the tip of the iceberg in terms of the trust, devotion, love, and care we’ve experienced, yeah, we still won’t say we’re ‘soul-mates’.

Could we be a bit ridiculous in this?  Wikipedia says a ‘soul-mate’ is someone with whom you have a feeling of deep or natural affinity.  That doesn’t sound like a big deal – if that is all it takes then maybe Jimmy Fallon and I are soul-mates (and the person who created General Tso’s Chicken and the inventors of Mountain Dew).  I believe we usually think of soul-mates as something more.  They’re supposed to be that one person that so wonderfully matches with who we are and what we want to be that they just bring about perfection.  It drives us to start throwing up phrases like “You complete me!” and “I’m nothing without you!” or even “You make me happy!” – blah!  And this is where we have a problem with soul-mates.

The idea that I need someone else in this world in order to be completed is hilarious.  Let me be very clear – my wife doesn’t complete me, my God completes me.  And as ruggedly handsome as I am – Julie (that’s my wife) finds completion in God as well and definitely not in me.  It is almost sad to think that we have to find another person in this world to feel like life is complete, that we haven’t reached full value until we’ve found that someone. Julie adds so much to my life.  She has made me a better person in the best of ways – somehow she makes my strengths greater while helping my weaknesses disappear.  I am more because of her and I’ve gone further because of her, but I am complete because of God.

The problem is we are all lacking something in life.  We do have a hole to fill.  We want so badly to fill it. To put the pieces of life together, to give us purpose, to be appreciated and valued here on earth, and simply to not be lonely. But if we’re looking for a person to do all that, we’re going to get frustrated. What are the real chances of finding a soul-mate to make all that happen? Just ask Dwight Schrute: “Oh, not likely. Three billion women on the planet, most of them live in Asia, so the numbers just don’t add up.” (The Office, Season 5, Episode 18).

That hole can only be filled by the God we were created to seek after.  If we try to fill that hole with a person we not only give that person too much power, we set ourselves up for disappointment, and we clearly undervalue ourselves.

You’re never nothing without someone! In fact, Paul seems to feel in 1Corinthians 7 that as a single person you have more value! I have never known exactly what to do with these thoughts of his, as they seem not to work well in our culture. But they ring true to me: a single adult has the ability to much more openly give of their time to God’s service. And as a church we need to be willing to embrace single ministers and members who can give so much.

There is still the issue of happiness.  I gain a ton of happiness from my wife. In fact, if I could give any “single and looking” person advice on finding a good match, it would be to find someone who makes you smile and laugh a lot!  You can figure out how to make a lot of things work in a relationship, but laughter is often either there or it’s not, and you want it to be there.

With that said, happiness is a decision.  I choose to find happiness in my wife.  Without her it would have been up me to choose to find happiness in something else.  Hey, there are quite a few married people not choosing to find happiness in their spouse.  To those people I would say the opportunity to change your decision is yours to take.  Whatever your life is like, God has given you the opportunity to choose happiness.  That’s on you and no one else.

For my devotions I have recently read the book of Ecclesiastes (not high on my list of Bible books to just read for fun…).  A part of chapter 5 stuck out to me that I feel pertains here:

18 Even so, I have noticed one thing, at least, that is good. It is good for people to eat, drink, and enjoy their work under the sun during the short life God has given them, and to accept their lot in life. 19 And it is a good thing to receive wealth from God and the good health to enjoy it. To enjoy your work and accept your lot in life—this is indeed a gift from God. (NLT)

It is up to you to enjoy what you have and that is indeed a gift from God.  I don’t think God specifically made Julie and I for each other.  We were given an opportunity and we found happiness there.  We made a marriage covenant and I do believe God will bless that as we hold firmly to it.

These have been the best 10 years of my life and I look forward to the next 10, they’re going to be even better.  And yours could be as well – find fulfillment and completion in God, not in something here on earth, know that you have incredible purpose and great opportunities to bring meaning to your life and the Kingdom of God, and lastly remember that you get to choose to be happy, don’t let what you have or may not have steal your joy in life.

To All the Sons

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I never really had a room of my own as a kid.  Okay, I had my own bedroom, but it was never totally mine.  My mother liked things clean and in order, so I could never do much with “my room”.  Toys and games were not left out, my bed was always made, shelves neatly arranged with perfect spaces between objects, even my hermit crab and his abode were tidy.

I could try to fight this if I wanted.  Leave out a lego castle, miss the hamper with a dirty shirt and leave it on the floor, or do the unthinkable – make my bed without properly tucking the bed spread around the pillow.  Give it five minutes and this “error” would be corrected.  No comment would be made – this would just happen.

Now it may sound rough but it wasn’t that bad, not bad at all, my mother cared about me and so she took care of me as she thought best and that meant an organized room.

From the beginning of time I believe that mothers and sons have been fighting the battle of “mother knows best” and for the rest of time this will continue.  It has already started with my own wife and son as it does with all mothers and sons – the battle to wipe the face clean.  Oh how my son hates this attention and he puts up a wonderful fight, but his face always ends up clean.

This battle will continue – clean jeans, tucked in shirts, cow-lickless hair, washed cleats, shaved faces, organized entertainment centers, and maybe even a hung-up towel in the bathroom.  To all the sons out there – we can fight these things, but the sooner you realize that you won’t win, the easier your life will be.

All sons deal with this to some degree or another.  But what happens when the “interference” gets more serious?  It is one thing to have your life impacted at home – but what do we do when mom wants to interfere with the rest of life?  When she starts cramping our style, killing our mojo, and squashing our vibe?

Will we let mom interfere?

When I was around 15-16 I had my first girlfriend.  Now in reality this was just the first girlfriend that my parents found out about (you know how that is, right?) – so really this was more like girlfriend #3 but who is counting (okay, I was for sure!).  I remember having a lot of pressure with this girlfriend.  My friends were expecting me to “make some moves” as it were, the girl seemed to have some expectations, and even my dorky calculus teacher was for some reason telling me to “solve for x” (okay he never said that but he was oddly involved and I couldn’t resist the joke – math teachers, right?).

It was in the midst of all this that I can clearly remember my mom wanting to have a talk with me.  It wasn’t that talk (my parents were with it enough to know that a day at public school equals more knowledge than any “birds and bees” conversation could supply) – no it was a very different talk.  She told me it was nice that I had a girlfriend.  She told me that this girl seemed sweet and was pretty – I had chosen well.  Then she told me that I was not to hurt this girl. And she looked me in the eyes and we both knew what that meant.

Cramping my style.  Killing my mojo.  Interfering with life!  With a few words and one look she had done it all.  Now what was I supposed to do?

Well I can tell you what I didn’t do – hurt that girl.  Not because I didn’t want to.  Not because she didn’t want me to.  Not because my friends didn’t want me to.  Not even because my calc teacher didn’t want me to.

No, I didn’t because my mom didn’t want me to.  And because she was the one person courageous enough to sit me down and tell me not to. And because, while she told me not to hurt the girl, I knew that she really cared about me and the real person she was protecting was me.  My life.  My heart.  My soul. My future.  She took care of me in the only way she knew how.

To all the sons out there – will we let mom interfere?

Yeah we will!  Because she loves us.  Because more than any person on earth she wants what’s best for us.  Because she has the courage to make the difficult choices for us and say the difficult things to us.

To the young men out there – give your mom a break.  Listen to her words, put up with her guidance, and respect her wishes.  You may not understand all that she wants for you, but if you know she loves you and wants what’s best for you then you know enough.

And to the mothers out there – keep washing our faces, keep interfering, keep cramping our style.  We need you.  We need you to never stop believing in us.  And most importantly we need you to step up for us when no one else will.

Unfortunately for me, my mother is gone.  She now resides in heaven with God.  Meanwhile, here on earth the impact of her life, her heart, and even her interferences lives on.  Her efforts still live on in the relationships I have with my own wife and kids.  They and I reap the benefits of her decisions for me.  To all the sons out there – thank God for your mom and keep her close.